


Anyone's Ghost

by chashmish



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Akira would like to know if you can fuck the ghosts, Alternate Universe - Ghost Adventures, Humor, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 11:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11668320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chashmish/pseuds/chashmish
Summary: “I agree. We need a strategy. Maybe if I make out with Akechi in the bathroom, it’ll distract the ghost,” Akira suggested.Yusuke frowned. “Really? I can’t see how that action would accomplish anything.”(The Phantom Thieves are on Ghost Adventures. Akira has no boundaries.)





	Anyone's Ghost

“ _Not_ Leblanc,” Futaba Sakura said. Her words were sharp and decisive in the calm quiet of the Phantom Hunters’ headquarters.

Haru Okumura tilted her head and frowned. “Futaba…” The empath of the group, she was often the one most excited about possible ghost sightings, and frequently the most fearless.

“I’m serious! Not Leblanc,” Futaba said. She leaned back in her chair and tugged her headphones off her ears. “There are plenty more places in town with suspected paranormal activity to investigate. I don’t know why we keep coming back to this topic.”

“Because we hear about more and more sightings in or near the shop each month,” Haru reminded her gently. “Futaba, I understand your reservations, but we simply can’t leave this alone anymore.”

Ann Takamaki, the team’s primary interviewer, sighed and crossed her arms. “I’m not sure about this one…”

“Gotta say, I agree with Haru,” Ryuji Sakamoto, general paranormal expert, added as he made his way over from the other side of the office. “I know Leblanc’s your home turf, Futaba, but if there really are ghosts, we shouldn’t show any bias by giving it a pass.”

“A remarkably astute observation, from an unlikely source,” Yusuke Kitagawa, camera operator, noted, putting his hand to his chin in consideration. Ryuji cheerfully gave him the finger. “I believe if we are to be as thorough in our work as we profess we are, we should not leave any stone unturned.”

Futaba scowled and busied herself with tapping away on her laptop. “I’m still not convinced.”

“Leader,” Haru said, “What do you think?”

All eyes in the room turned to Goro Akechi, who was sitting at his desk, looking over his notes. The charming television star and host of the Phantom Hunters’ show, Phantom Adventures, he hadn’t expected to work in such a position, but despite his reservations he’d grown to enjoy the job– and he was good at it. In turn, the rest of his teammates had begun treating him first with grudging admiration, then genuine respect.

They were a fine team, and now they were waiting to hear from their leader.

Goro put a hand under his chin. “Futaba, I know you’re wary of trampling all over your father’s workplace. But consider this: the places we investigate usually see a spike in business. I think this venture would help Leblanc more than harm it.”

“Well…” Futaba said doubtfully.

“Additionally, it’s just as Yusuke said– if we disregard Leblanc, we compromise our integrity as paranormal researchers. Does any of this do anything to change your mind?”

Futaba considered. She pondered. She mulled it over. The Phantom Hunters held their breaths in anticipation.

“...Fine,” Futaba conceded. “I’ll talk to Sojiro.”

Haru beamed with pleasure.

Goro smiled. “Lovely. Let’s hope he has good news for us.”

A week later, the Phantom Hunters arrived at Leblanc.

“Oh, it’s all of you,” the proprietor of the establishment, Sojiro Sakura, said as he looked up from the counter. “Welcome.” Sojiro had allowed them to conduct an investigation, probably because of all the reported sightings, and had agreed to give them a tour.

“Hello, Mr. Sakura,” Goro said graciously as he and Ann, Ryuji, Yusuke, Futaba and Haru entered. “Thank you so much for allowing us to tour your business.”

“Yeah, sure. I won’t lie to you– all of this seems silly to me, but some customers were really pushing me to call you guys, and considering Futaba is part of the crew and all…”

“Not to worry, Sojiro,” Futaba declared. “The spirits in here won’t know what hit ‘em.”

All of a sudden, a black blur shot out from behind the counter and ran into Goro’s feet. “Oops,” said a new voice. Footsteps ran over and reached out near the entrance, catching the blur. Goro realized the new figure was an unfamiliar man, who had scooped up a cat in his arms. “Careful around guests, Morgana.”

“Oh, and this is Akira Kurusu,” Sojiro said, gesturing toward a languid-looking man with a mop of black hair and distinctive glasses. “He’s my part-timer. Plus Morgana, the cat we keep around here.”

Akira regarded them as he pet Morgana. “You guys are here about the ghost?”

“Yup!” Ryuji answered, grinning. “We’re the ones who’re gonna fix your ghost problem.”

“Akira, do you mind if I interview you?” Ann said, leaning forward eagerly. “I’d like to know if you’ve seen anything unusual while working here.”

“Sure,” Akira replied, smiling. “I’d love to help out.”

“Great! Let me just grab my stuff…”

As Ann left to get her things for an interview, Ryuji and Haru went to speak to Sojiro. Yusuke and Futaba figured out where to place the cameras and ghost-detecting equipment.

“So, this is how it starts?” Akira said conversationally, coming up next to Goro. “With a tour?”

“Yes, and during it we’ll be using our equipment to find evidence of paranormal activity,” Goro answered.

“Cool,” Akira said. “I guess you guys have had a lot of run-ins with ghosts.”

“We’ve come across quite a few, yes, “ Goro said pleasantly. “I see you’re not very familiar with what we do.”

“Mm… not really.” Akira fiddled with his fringe. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”  
  
“Go ahead.”

“Have you ever had sex with a ghost?”

“...Excuse me?” Goro said politely.

“Or have you ever seriously considered having sex with a ghost? Either way.”

“I… that’s… no, I can’t say I… have,” Goro said, choking slightly.

“Oh.” Akira tilted his chin thoughtfully. “I think I might. If I had the chance. Just ‘cause I’m open to new experiences and stuff.”

“That’s… very progressive of you,” Goro said, blinking rapidly.

“Hey, Akira, I’m ready for you over here!” called Ann from one of the booths.

“Maybe you guys could try that next time,” Akira told him as he turned away. “You never know what could help.”

Goro was left standing there, open-mouthed.

After an hour or so, the tour was over and the Phantom Hunters had gathered a lot of new information.

“My EMF readings picked up a spike in electromagnetic energy from some areas in the attic and the back room,” Futaba told the crew gathered in the front of Leblanc and the cameras.

“Plus the temperature on the thermometers dropped really low in a couple of spots I marked already,” Ryuji added.

“Akira has witnessed a bunch of weird stuff happening,” reported Ann. “Things like coffee cups falling to the floor when he turns his back, the open sign on the door flipping to ‘closed’ by itself, locked doors slamming and opening… Apparently, Morgana has been acting erratically too. More agitated.”

“And I definitely felt some emotional energy coming from the places Futaba mentioned, and a few of the booths as well,” Haru said, folding her hands in front of her. “I want to know more about this spirit. It seems… forlorn.”

“Based on all the evidence we’ve gathered, it seems we can confirm evidence of paranormal activity at Leblanc, Mr. Sakura,” Goro said seriously, making sure the cameras got his good side. “I’d like to request permission to perform a lockdown, during which my crew and I would stay here for the duration of the night in an attempt to identify any spirits.”

“Well, all right,” Sojiro said warily. “As long as you kids don’t mess anything up.”

“Not to worry, sir,” Yusuke said with a short bow. “We will leave everything exactly where we found it.”

It was decided that the Phantom Hunters would come by the next night and begin their lockdown. As the camera crew wrapped up and Sojiro returned to his business, Goro stretched, feeling like he could use a nap. He’d do well to rest before the real work began the next day.

“About the lockdown,” Akira asked, approaching Goro before he could leave. “Is it okay if I stay in here with you guys?”

Goro’s mouth opened in surprise. “The lockdowns are usually just for the crew.”

“Oh, okay,” Akira said. Slowly, he took his glasses off and began polishing them with the cloth of his shirt. “I’ve only seen a little bit of your show, so I don’t really get how it works... Maybe you can tell me more about it sometime?”

“Uh, you could probably just watch the… older episodes…” _He’s hitting on me_ , Goro thought. _I crave attention but I have trouble processing genuine interest in myself as a human being from other people because of my self-image issues. Somebody help._ _Sojiro, help!_

“I know you guys do a great job, though. Especially you.” He laughed lightly. “You’re even more handsome in person.”

“Well,” said Goro. He coughed. “How kind of you to say.”

“But… I really, _really_ wanted to see more of you in action. And I just think the paranormal is such an interesting field.” Suddenly, Akira looked up. Without his glasses, his eyes were even more soft and inviting, and as he looked directly at Goro there seemed to be no escape. “So I just thought I’d ask.” He fluttered his eyelashes and tilted his head. “Do you think you could make room for me?”

Goro’s face was red. “I mean… I… well, I suppose it wouldn’t… hurt,” he stammered, even as his mind screamed at him to retract his words.

“Great,” Akira said, beaming and turning away. “I’ll see you tonight, then!”

“Oh my God,” Futaba said a moment later, coming up to Goro. “What did you just do?”

“Well…” said Goro weakly. “I seem to have invited him to join our lockdown.”

“Stupid! I love Akira and everything– he’s like my brother– but couldn’t you tell what he was doing?! He acts all charming to get what he wants. I can’t believe you fell for it.”

“In my defense…” Goro began, then stopped when he realized he had no defense. “Well, anyway, we’ll just have to conduct our investigation with him in tow. Perhaps he’ll be of help in some way.”

“ _Sure,”_ Futaba said, glaring. “We’ll see just how much help he is.”

When twilight fell the next day, the Phantom Hunters met up at Leblanc, equipment in tow. Goro arrived first, escorted by his close friend Makoto Niijima.

“I always say this, but I seriously can’t believe this is your job,” Makoto muttered as she parked on the street next to Yongen-Jaya’s entrance.

“You know, Makoto, I know you’re not very well-acquainted with the paranormal, but I do wonder why you’re so terrified of ghosts.”

“You know, Goro, I do wonder why you’re so terrified to get your driver’s license,” Makoto replied.

Goro decided to be quiet and get out of the car.

“Cameras ready, Yusuke?” he asked as he walked over to Leblanc and saw the other man outside.

“Of course. Though I must say I continue to be of the opinion that a painting would more accurately capture the spirit of the spirit, if you pardon my pun…”

“Save the art for later, Yusuke,” Ryuji declared, coming up next to them and looking at the storefront proudly, as if victory were already assured. “We’ve got some ghosts to find.”

As Yusuke and the camera crew set up their equipment and the rest of them filed inside, the door to Leblanc opened and Akira entered. His hair was as messy as ever, but he was wearing a well-fitting collared shirt and seemed like he’d dressed up for the occasion.

“Do you have _cologne_ on _,_ dude?” Ryuji asked.

Akira shrugged. “I thought I’d make a good impression for the ghosts.”

Futaba muttered something that sounded suspiciously like “what a slut.”

“Uh, Goro?” Ann said.

Goro promptly stopped staring. “Well, if everything is all right with Sojiro, the lockdown can begin.”

Sojiro nodded his assent. “All right. Good luck, everybody. Hope you find the ghost or… whatever it is.”

With a click of Sojiro’s key in the lock, the Phantom Hunters and Akira were left alone inside Leblanc. Haru solemnly turned off the lights. The lockdown had begun.

“Yusuke and I set up a video feed upstairs, in the back room, and here in the main part of the café,” Futaba said, addressing both Yusuke’s camcorder and the team as she opened her laptop. The display on her laptop glowed green. “I’ll stay here and watch the screens.”

Goro looked through his night-vision camera as they moved around Leblanc’s main floor. The space was small, so it was a little difficult maneuvering with so many people (Ryuji yelped as Yusuke stepped on his foot at least three times– “At this point you’ve gotta be doing it on purpose, man!”) but there was only a few minutes of mindlessly stumbling around before Ryuji reported that his thermometer was once again picking up strangely low temperatures.

The area with the anomalous readings was behind the bar, and as Goro moved in he felt an distinctive chill.

“It’s unmistakable,” Goro said, playing up the grave solemnity for the cameras a little bit. “The area here is extremely cold.” He looked to the first person on his left. “Akira, put out your hand. Can you sense anything?”

Akira stretched out his arm and and slowly waved it in a small arc before he put his hand over Goro’s own and held it.

“Um,” Goro said. “What are you doing?”

“Oh, was that not right?"

“...Well, anyway,” Ann cut in, training her own camera over Ryuji’s shoulder, “looks like the readings have gone back to normal.”  
  
She was right; Goro didn’t feel anything especially cold anymore. “Strange,” he muttered. “Also, Akira, you can let go of my hand now.”

Suddenly, they heard a slam.

“FUCK,” Ryuji roared, always the most vocal. “Did you guys hear that?”

“Oh my God,” Ann said. “Was that the door to the attic?”

“Wait,” Goro ordered. “We can’t all rush up there. The spirit seems to want to run from us, so to speak. We must be careful about how we approach this.”

“I agree. We need a strategy. Maybe if I make out with Akechi in the bathroom, it’ll distract the ghost,” Akira suggested.

Yusuke frowned. “Really? I can’t see how that action would accomplish anything.”

“Akira,” Futaba said over from one of the booths, “I’m beginning to feel like you’re putting this operation in serious danger.”

“Er, maybe our leader could put things back on track by not looking like he’s considering it?” Ann said.

Goro ceased gazing at Akira thoughtfully and cleared his throat. “Right. We’ll all go in, then, but with Futaba, Haru and I leading. Ryuji behind us, Yusuke in the back. It’s important we take care not to intimidate the presence.”

The Phantom Hunters began to make their way toward the stairs, keeping with Goro’s direction. As Goro began to move, Akira materialized next to him and held his arm.

“Why,” said Goro.

“There’s a ghost,” Akira said, voice holding no emotion. “I’m scared.”

“Why are you zooming in on this?” Goro hissed at Yusuke.

“It’s good TV,” he replied.

The Phantom Hunters moved up the creaky stairs, Akira’s grip firmly on Goro’s arm all the while. That close, Goro could smell Akira’s hair and the sharp scent of his cologne. _Ghosts,_ Goro thought dazedly. _There’s a ghost here. Focus on the ghost, which is in the building that you are also in, right now, at this moment._

It was a tight squeeze, but they all eventually reached the top of the stairs and poured into the attic.

Goro stepped forward and tried to clear his mind. Right now, he had to do his job.

“I am speaking to whatever spirit has inhabited this space,” his voice soft and beseeching. His manner was calm and dignified, yet commanding all the same. “We would simply like to make contact with you, and ask you why you have been causing trouble for the proprietor of this shop and its customers.” He paused. “Won’t you tell us your name?”

Everyone was watching him, spellbound. Goro Akechi was very good at his job.

For a few moments there was nothing but tense silence and annoyingly heavy breathing. And then, suddenly, Ryuji cried out, “Fuck, I just felt something.”

“Me too!” Haru said. “It felt like something touched me…”

“Run the recording of the last few minutes through Futaba’s computer,” Ann said urgently.

Ryuji sent the file to Futaba, who promptly pulled it up and uploaded it into the program on her laptop.

She waited tensely as the program analyzed the file, then nodded. “Okay, the clarified recording’s about to play.”

Then, they all heard it. First, Goro’s voice again, saying “Won’t you tell us your name?”

There was a crackle– and then, another voice, an inhuman voice. Distorted though it was, one word could be clearly made out.

“ _Futaba._ ”

“Holy shit!” Ryuji yelled.

“Well, that can’t be right,” said Futaba, nonplussed. “I’m not dead. Probably.”

The recording continued to play. It was the same word, over and over again. _“Futaba. Futaba. FUTABA.”_

“The spirit’s energy is becoming more and more agitated!” Haru said urgently. “The fact that it kept saying Futaba’s name… Could there be some connection?”

Everyone in the room turned to look at Futaba. She was silent, face grave, before her eyes suddenly widened. “Wait… maybe it’s…” Her mouth fell open. “No, it couldn’t– she didn’t die here–!”

“Futaba,” said Goro. “This spirit seems to know you. Do you have any idea who it could be?”

Futaba was quiet once again. “M-My... mother, Wakaba Isshiki. She died in an accident, when I was a kid. That’s... the only person I can think of.”

Ann gasped. Goro’s eyes narrowed. Yusuke almost dropped his camera. Haru put a hand to her mouth. Akira leaned forward. Ryuji said, once again, “Holy _shit!”_

“More interference is coming through on the EMF director,” Ann said nervously.

“Guys,” Futaba said, turning to everybody. She was biting her lip. “I’m sorry, but… could I get a minute alone with my mom?”

There was no way to refuse such a request. One by one, the Phantom Hunters headed down the stairs back the way they’d came. Once there, they waited tensely in the booths and near the bar, totally unsure of what to expect.

Goro noticed Akira typing rapidly on his phone. “What are you doing?”

“Messaging Sojiro,” Akira said seriously. “I think he’ll want to know about this.”

Goro sighed and leaned back against the bar. This was turning out to be an extremely unorthodox investigation.

“You seem stressed,” Akira said, turning to face him. “Want me to relieve some tension? I’m really great at massages.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’re good with your hands,” Goro said, leaning forward slightly and refusing to break eye contact, “but there’s a time and place for everything.”

 _Ha ha_ , Goro thought triumphantly as Akira’s eyes widened. _Two can play this game!_

“I have to agree with our leader,” said Yusuke, his camera trained firmly on the two of them. “I, too, would thoroughly enjoy a massage at the moment, but we are currently in the middle of a lockdown.”

“...Yusuke, please stop filming this.”

Sojiro arrived a few minutes later, out of breath. “Where’s Futaba? Is it true? Is Wakaba really–”

“Futaba is upstairs,” Haru informed him, placing a consoling hand on his back. “She asked to communicate with her mother alone. Don’t worry about her, Mr. Sakura– she’s a professional. She can handle this.”

Sojiro was agitated. “I swear, if this is some kind of joke–”

“It’s not.”

The sudden voice came from Futaba at the top of the stairs. The team waited as she descended slowly and walked over in front of them.

“I talked to her,” Futaba said, and it was clear only then that she had tears streaming down her face. “She told me… that her spirit was here because she wanted to be near me and Sojiro. And then she said…” Futaba’s face crumpled. “She t-told me she loved me. And to stop blaming myself.” Futaba fell into a booth, needing to sit down, and Ann rushed over to her. The others following immediately, taking turns consoling their friend.

“It’s okay, guys,” Futaba said, smiling tearfully as Yusuke patted her on the back awkwardly. “My mom’s spirit left… I felt her go. I think she feels… at peace, finally. She got to tell me what I needed to hear.”

Sojiro bowed his head. “I can’t believe it was Wakaba the whole time…”

“Oh, yeah,” Futaba said suddenly. “She had a message for you, too, Sojiro.”

Sojiro’s head snapped up. “What was it?”

Futaba frowned. “It’s _two_ teaspoons of cumin in the curry, not _one._ You’ve been making it wrong.”

“I guess ghosts think about other stuff besides being dead,” Akira said contemplatively.

“Well,” Goro said loudly. “Wonderful job, everyone. Not only have we made confirmed contact with the paranormal and communicated with a spirit once again, we have also been able to assist a valued teammate and dear friend.” He looked into the camera serenely. “It’s been a very special episode for our team and for the people of Yongen-Jaya. I hope to see you next time… on Phantom Adventures.”

At once, filming was over. The Phantom Hunters relaxed and immediately begin talking amongst themselves and gathering around Futaba. Sojiro poured coffee for everyone and brought out soda for Ryuji. Goro smiled. It wasn’t too often that a festive atmosphere followed a lockdown, but he wasn’t about to complain.

“Good work,” Akira said, coming up behind him. “You were all amazing, just like on TV. I’m glad you let me stay.”

“Well,” Goro replied, turning to face him, “I would commend you for your work as well, but the truth is you spent the whole evening distracting me with your flirting and were no help whatsoever.”

“That’s fair,” Akira reasoned. “You’re going to give me your number, though, right?”

“Oh, I already wrote it down,” Goro said, handing over a scrap of paper.

“Nice.” Akira leaned over, placing a hand on Goro’s shoulder, and kissed him on the cheek. Goro felt his face heat up. It seemed absurd that such a sweet gesture could come from someone who had been making increasingly obscene passes at him the whole night.

“So,” Akira said, his lips inches from Goro’s ear. “I’ll call you.”

“Uh, right,” Goro said, as Akira pulled away. _If you don’t, I’ll never forgive you and probably haunt you in a spectacularly dramatic fashion after I die._ “If you’d like.”

Akira smiled at him. “By the way, do you guys do exorcisms?”

“...No, we don’t.”

“That’s too bad. I really want to be exorcised. I mean, I don’t think I have a demon inside me or anything, but exorcisms are hot.”

“Okay...”

And with that, Leblanc, the beloved coffee shop of Yongen-Jaya, was freed from its ghostly presence at last.

**Author's Note:**

> special thanks to red and tara for [discussing](https://twitter.com/i/moments/892055810871877632) this ridiculous AU with me


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